


Who You Gonna Call?

by DangerousCommieSubversive



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Young Avengers
Genre: Crack, Dinosaurs, Gen, Magic, Movie Night, References to Underage Drinking, Savage Land, Wizards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-29
Updated: 2013-05-29
Packaged: 2017-12-13 07:32:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/821659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerousCommieSubversive/pseuds/DangerousCommieSubversive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Deadpool finds himself threatened by a powerful wizard, who's he gonna call?</p><p>
  <strong>Ghostbusters!</strong>
</p><p>...wrong story, Wa--Deadpool. He calls the Young Avengers, that's who!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who You Gonna Call?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DrkPhoenyx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrkPhoenyx/gifts).



> My wonderful auction winner, DrkPhoenyx, wanted Deadpool and the Young Avengers to team up and have a wacky adventure! And this one _totally_ has it all.
> 
> Enjoy!

_“Firefly?”_

“Check.”

“Movies?”

“Check.”

“Dice?”

“Just in case.”

“Beer?”

“Ch—Tommy, we're not bringing any beer.”

Tommy made a face. “ _You_ might not be, but I'm gonna need some to survive another movie night with you dweebs. Actually I bet Kate can hook us up. She probably knows someone's nephew.”

Billy sighed. “We're not even out of eleventh grade, Tommy. You'll get us all arrested.”

He shrugged. “Been there, done that. Hey, Blondie, think one of your sports pals could get us a keg? Pep up the tired routine of the Young Avengers movie night?”

Teddy stared at him for a moment and then said, to Billy, “Sometimes I really want to punch him.”

“Aw, you only say that because you love me.” Tommy grinned and hefted his overnight bag. “See you at the Batcave.”

And he was gone.

Billy and Teddy glanced at each other, shook their heads, and went back to packing their duffel bag.

When they finally managed to escape the house (after promising Rebecca they'd stay safe, promising _Jeff_ they'd stay safe, and threatening Jacob and Isaac with a _little_ bit of imminent demise), they flew to the Bishop Publishing building. Everyone else was already there—well, everyone but Cassie, who was on vacation with her mother. At fairly regular intervals Jonas' eyes would flicker, and he'd smile—text message received. Eli had brought his own stack of movies from the library, Kate had brought pizza and soda, and Tommy _had_ gotten a six-pack from somewhere, and was splitting it with Eli. Billy sighed. “What even _is_ that, Tommy?”

“Seasonal microbrew from a place I like in Maine.” At their stares, Tommy scowled. “ _What?_ I paid for it. I got class. I'm not a _total_ Shore reject.” 

“Just most of one.”

“Hey, fuck you, jock boy.”

“Don't worry.” Teddy ruffled his hair, grinning, and he ducked away with a shout. “We all think it's cute. You're our very own albino Snookie.”

“Those are _fighting_ words, Altman.”

“Boys.” Kate rolled her eyes. “Sit your asses down. It's _Zoolander_ time. Don't look at me like that, Billy picked it.”

Tommy sighed and flopped onto a couch, snagging another beer. “You're all lucky I'm so tolerant of your insanity.”

\--

About halfway through the movie, Billy excused himself and crept upstairs to the bathroom. He didn't mind using the one on the ground floor, but all the nice soap was upstairs—all the better to avoid spending the rest of the night smelling of pizza grease. He did his business, scrubbed the heady perfume of New York City pizza from his skin, and headed back to the stairs.

There was a breeze. He stopped, frowning. Why was the hall window open? Had Kate wanted to air the place out? And there was a rustling noise, too, probably from a stray cat—hopefully it hadn't already come in or peed on anything. Or, shit, hopefully it wasn't a pigeon.

“Huh.” Puzzled, he leaned out the open window for a moment, to see if the cat or whatever was on the fire escape. “Tommy, if you're messing with—”

—a flurry of movement 

“—mmph! Mmph, mm mm _mmph?_ ” Which was meant to be, “Hey! What the _hell?_ ” but for the gloved hand clamped over his mouth. 

“Kid. Kid. Calm down,” said a vaguely familiar voice in his ear. “Everything's cool. Everything's chill. We're Fonzies. We're Spike from _Buffy_ before he got all sad and stuff. Ice cubes. Glaciers. Ok? Don't scream.” 

All Billy _wanted_ to do was scream, really, but he nodded slowly. _Don't antagonize the kidnapper. Don't antagonize the kidnapper. Don't antagonize the kidnapper._

The hand pulled away from his mouth, and he turned gingerly around to see—

“ _Ho_ -ly—”

“Hey! No screaming! You said!” Deadpool's hand was over his mouth again. “Or, well, you _didn't_ say, you _nodded,_ but still. Seriously. Bro code. Hostage code. Whatever.”

Billy stared at him wide-eyed.

The mercenary sighed, looking oddly hang-dog even with his face covered. “Look, kid, I need your help. Just...five minutes? Hear me out? I promise I'm not here to kill you, I'll even apologize for saying you were nubile that one time, but lemme explain.”

Terrified, Billy nodded again.

“So I _might_ have pissed off a guy? I pissed off a guy. A wizard guy. And not an adorable tiny wizard guy like you, a big nasty beardy wizard guy with a bad attitude. I don't know his name. Irk. Irk something. Yrkanos, that was it! Anyway I _might_ have stolen a bunch of his stuff, killed his brother, and maybe I hit on his daughter a little. I forget your name, can I call you Mr. Wizard? I always loved that show.”

This was...weirder than Billy had expected. He _knew_ Deadpool was crazy, he _knew_ that, but it was a little hard to process head-on. All he could manage in response was, “I'm _Wiccan._ ”

Deadpool looked startled. “Really? I thought you were Jewish.”

“I—that's my name. My superhero name.”

“That's a little weird.”

Billy shuffled, feeling his face go a bit pink. “...my mom got me a book about Wicca to read.”

“Oh! Good for you.”

“How did you _find_ me? I didn't register, you shouldn't know who am I.”

“Narrative convenience.”

“What?”

“Don't worry, kid, it's a fourth wall thing.” Deadpool clasped his hands under his chin and—was he _batting his eyelashes?_ “So. Help me defeat the big nasty beardy wizard guy with your all-powerful sorcery? _Pleeeeease?_ ”

“HeyBillywhathappeneddidjafallinorsometh—whoa!” Tommy skidded to a stop next to them, eyes wide. “Izzat _Deadpool?_ ”

“Is there _another_ katana-wielding mercenary in a jumpsuit running around? Wait, don't answer that.”

Billy grinned weakly at his maybe-brother. “He needs my help.”

Tommy stared at him for a moment and then started laughing so hard that Billy was sure he heard a rib crack. “ _You? Deadpool_ needs _your_ help? Why would he need _you?_ ”

“Hey! I'm useful. I have skills.”

“Little bro, the last time you sneezed you turned your can of soda into a parakeet. It was pretty sad,” Tommy said, turning to Deadpool. “The crumb-crushers wanted to keep it, but no dice. We had to take it to a pet store.”

Deadpool was watching them with what looked like puzzled amusement. “Are you twins? I didn't know you were twins! You're even _more_ adorable! You guys should make out, I could take a picture, we could sell it to the papers and make a _fortune—_ ”

Billy and Tommy said, simultaneously, “Dude!”

“What? I was just—” 

There was a quiet rustling sound, and then from behind Deadpool Kate said, quietly, “Boys, is there a problem?”

“Hey, it's turning into a whole big—whoa.” Deadpool turned around and looked straight at the point of an arrow.

“Hi, Deadpool.” Her tone was completely calm, cheerful even, but she didn't lower her bow. Eli and Teddy had arrayed themselves behind her, and Jonas was floating in the air above her head. “Nice night for it.”

“Uh...yeah.” He leaned away from the arrow slightly. “Has anyone ever told you that you're very intimidating for a tiny purple person?”

She ignored him. “Billy, what's going on?”

Billy rubbed his hand across his face. “Deadpool pulled me out the window. He says he needs my help fighting some sorceror he pissed off.”

“Hm. All right. Deadpool, is this true?”

Deadpool nodded slowly, his eyes fixed on the arrow at his nose. “Uh-huh. Swear to god. Sorceror. Yrkanos the Bearded. Chasing me all over. Wants me dead. I can't get near him.”

“And what's in it for us?”

“Us?” 

“We're a team. What we do, we do together. If you need Billy, you get all of us.” Billy sagged with relief as Tommy made a disgusted oh-gag-me face. “What's in it for us?”

“...my undying gratitude?”

She didn't even respond to that.

“Um. We can go out for Mexican afterward. I'll pay.”

Kate raised an eyebrow, and behind her Teddy said, “You know, I could go for a burrito.”

“Uh...” Deadpool's hands twitched. “You...get to save New York City? He's kinda pissy, he'll burn the whole place down. Plus I think he wants to take over the world. He's kind of not an ok guy.” 

A pause, and then Kate smiled and said, “ _That's_ more like it.”

“So you'll do it? You'll help?”

“ _That's_ up to Billy. They're his powers.” She looked over at Billy. “So?”

Billy shrugged. “Well, I guess it couldn't—”

A billow of fire suddenly rose from the street. Tommy shouted, dancing away from the scorching heat, and Teddy dove forward and knocked Billy down, covering him with spread wings. Eli said something that sounded like it was trying to be four or five curse words at once before managing to get out, “Is that him?”

Deadpool's hands were already full of guns. “That's him!”

“Kaplan! Pants!”

The mercenary blinked. “Pants?”

In the shelter of Teddy's wings, Billy had started muttering rapidly. _“IwantusincostumeIwantusincostumeIwantusincostume.”_

As everyone's clothes shimmered from “movie night casual” to “superhero chic,” Deadpool said, “ _Oooh._ Pants. That's a neat trick.”

“Isn't it, though?” Kate loosed into the column of fire and grabbed another arrow. “I'm trying to get him to learn to do that using reference photos from _Vogue Paris._ ”

Another billow of flame, and then in the center of the column a human figure materialized. He was tall and broad-shouldered, he carried a long staff, and, 

“Wow. Wow, that is one hell of a beard.” Billy peered out from under a wing, eyes wide. “Hey, Tee, you think I could grow a beard? I'd look very wizardly, don't you think?” 

Teddy nodded thoughtfully. “You could look cute with a beard. I mean, not a beard like _that,_ that one sort of looks like a topiary, but you could rock some facial hair.”

“I should think about that.”

The wizard in the flames, presumably Yrkanos, stared at then and then turned to Jonas and said, “They do not seem to appreciate the gravity of their situation.”

Jonas shrugged. “You took us by surprise.”

“Yeah.” Tommy was adjusting his goggles with a scowl on his face—the initial burst of flame had singed off a bit of his hair. “Normally they're worse.”

“Look.” Kate had nocked another arrow. “Yrkanos. Is this something we can talk about civilly? We'd rather not kick your ass if we don't have to.”

Eli frowned. “We would?”

“That's not my name, you know.” 

Deadpool raised his guns. “Lies! Lies and slander!”

“Shut up, Deadpool.” Kate lowered her bow just a bit. “If you're not Yrkanos the Bearded, who is?”

“Deadpool killed him earlier today.”

“To be _fair, he_ was trying to kill _me._ ”

“Shut up, Deadpool.” Billy got to his feet with Teddy's help and brushed himself off. “So he was your brother? Deadpool said he killed your brother. And hit on your daughter.”

“She was trying to kill me too!”

“Not at all,” not-Yrkanos roared. “Yrkanos was my great rival! I hired Deadpool to steal the Shackles of Makko-Di from him! His death was simply a bonus.” 

Billy nodded slowly. “So this was all a misunderstanding?”

“No. I was planning on killing Deadpool anyway. For I am Ampharos!” Fire billowed. “The Hirsute! And I will not be bested!”

Billy, Teddy, and Deadpool all _simultaneously_ said, “Ampharos is a Pokemon.”

“Do you _see_ how I am insulted?” Ampharos delivered this line to apparently empty air. “Their lives must _all_ be forfeit!”

Jonas peered at him. “Are you speaking to us?”

The look on Teddy's face wavered between curiosity and delight. “I _don't_ think he's talking to us. Who's he talking to?”

Deadpool winked at you.

“Look, are we gonna fight or what?” Tommy wiped his soot-covered hand on the leg of his costume. “Because if not I've got a six of raspberry heifeweizen downstairs that I'm _dying_ to try. ...oh, shit, I fed him the line, didn't—”

“AND DIE YOU SHALL!”

“Oh shit duck!”

Flames rolled over the rooftop.

In the midst of the inferno there was a flash of blue light, and when the fire cleared the rooftop was empty.

Ampharos the Hirsute scanned the cement and scowled. “ _Damn._ He got away again.”

\--

Eli stared. “Billy, where the hell are we?”

“Um.” Billy picked himself up off the ground and leaned against Teddy, wincing. “The Savage Land?”

“Mind telling us _why?_ ”

“Well...we were going to watch _Jurassic Park_ next. And he was all yelling and crazy and I was just thinking we needed something _big_ to fight him. Like a dinosaur. But you can't bring a dinosaur to New York City. Well, I mean, the Runaways did, but theirs is really small.”

“So you brought _us_ to the _dinosaurs._ ”

“Um. I guess?”

Deadpool clapped his hands delightedly. “I like the way you think, kid!”

This was met with a resounding silence asd the Young Avengers turned to stare at him, looking unamused.

“What? Dinosaurs! Dinosaurs are cool!”

Billy let out a gusty sigh. “Look. Deadpool. You said you needed my help to fight this guy. What did you want me to _do?_ Did you actually think this plan all the way through?”

“What do you _take_ me for?”

Nobody said anything. 

“...look, I don't know, I just need someone who does magic and Dr. Strange won't talk to me since I cockblocked him that one time! And I knew where to find you! It seemed like a good idea at the time!”

“But _why?_ Why do you need someone who does magic? Why can't you just shoot him or hit him with your sword or something?”

“I forget.” 

“Dammit, Deadpool!"

  
“Oh, wait, no, wait, I remember!” The mercenary patted himself down, as if looking for pockets on his skintight costume. “The thing! The thingies I stole! Where'd I put them...” He finally lit upon an inexplicable pouch strapped to his thigh, and from it produced...

...a pair of fuzzy handcuffs, done in a garish neon orange leopard print. 

“See? These things! I need you to use these things!”

Crickets chirped. 

Teddy cleared his throat quietly and said, “I could probably hurt you a lot, you know. And then you'd heal up and I could do it again.”

“I miss my yellow boxes. Prose formatting is really doing a number on my thought process.” 

“What?”

“I didn't mean a sex thing and you know it!”

“Deadpool,” Tommy said, with enormous gravity. _“Deadpool.”_

“...yeah?”

“ _You_ didn't mean a sex thing? _You?_ ”

“...ok I kinda meant a sex thing. But now's hardly the time! Beardy Guy could be here any second now! Poof!”

Billy rolled his eyes. “Well, what did you want me to—”

“Wait for it!” They all waited, puzzled. When nothing happened, though, Deadpool drooped. “Really? Nothing? Villains these days have no sense of style! Look, anyway, these are the shack-thingies—”

“The Shackles of Makko-Di?”

“Yeah, those. The ones I stole. And they stop people from doing magic! But you _need_ magic to make them work, and I don't _know_ any, so—”

“So you need Billy to make them work so you can stop Ampharos. Who's named after a Pokemon, I can't get over that part.” Teddy grinned.

Billy didn't grin. He peered at the fuzzy Shackles, brows knitting. “Do they come with instructions? I don't really do the kind of magic that has equipment.”

“That's what _she—_ ok, ok, I'll stop! Um, there might be?” Deadpool checked the pouch that he'd had the Shackles in. “...groceries, bucket list, theoretical porno titles, Bob's number, Sandi's number, Weasel's proxy server...ha! Here! Instructions for the whatsits!”

“Um. Guys?”

Kate looked over at Eli. “Yeah?”

“Hate to interrupt, but you know how Billy said he was thinking we needed a dinosaur?” 

“Yes, why?”

“Do I even have to say it?”

There was, on cue, a deep-throated _whuff_ noise, and they all turned around very, _very_ slowly.

“Ahem.”

Ampharos was directly behind them, perched on the back of an irritated-looking Utahraptor.

“It was very obliging of you to wait for me to catch up.”

He raised his staff.

“Savage Land was a bad plan! _Run!_ ”

They ran.

At some point in the scramble, Billy ended up perched on Deadpool's back, the instructions for the Shackles open in one hand and the Shackles themselves in the other. “Congratulations on acquiring the one and only Shackles of Makko-Di...”

Eli, meanwhile, was grinning manically. “Always wanted to know a Utahraptor's top speed! I collected dinosaurs when I was a kid! I used to race 'em against my Matchbox cars!” 

On his back, Kate fired off an arrow. “Will you _focus?_ ”

“This is awesome!”

“Oh my _god._ Tommy, can you blow it up?”

“I'm not blowing up a dinosaur! This is way cool!”

“This isn't cool, this is awful!”

“Using the Shackles to _inhibit_...a-HA!” Billy raised his head from the instruction sheet, triumphant, and looked straight into a plume of fire. “Oh, _shit!_ ” 

“Bee, are you ok?” Teddy swooped down from the sky and plucked his boyfriend from Deadpool's back.

“I think I lost an eyebrow! Today is amazing!”

“Oh my _god._ ” Kate fired again. “Are you guys all _high?_ ”

“Dinosaurs are awesome!" 

“Yes! Dinosaurs are awesome! I like dinosaurs too! But I think I like _living_ a little more! Just do the thing, Kaplan!"

“Working on it! The instructions got a little scorched!” Billy was hanging upside-down in Teddy's grip now, the instructions clutched firmly in one hand, the Shackles dangling from the other. “So I focus my power and say _yarva daemonicus..._ wait, no, wrong incantation. Deadpool, you know this is gibberish, right?”

“Isn't all this magic stuff gibberish?” Deadpool dove out of the way of a fire blast and took a swipe at the Utahraptor's legs with one of his swords. Mostly it just seemed to make the dinosaur angry. On its back, Ampharos cackled.

“How should I know? I've never done this before!”

“I thought you were a wizard guy!”

“I learned from a self-help book!”

There was a crashing noise as the dinosaur skidded to a stop, Ampharos pounding hard on its back with his staff. Eli hissed through his teeth. “That's no way to treat a dinosaur!” 

Ampharos was staring at them in horror. “He hasn't got any training? But his power is vast! He teleported you all to the Savage Land with no preparation or foreknowledge! What are you doing letting him run around without a proper education? That's tantamount to leaving a loaded firearm on the—”

_Click._

He looked down at his wrists, and his eyes went wide. “ _Monstrous!_ How _dare_ you chain me, you insolent little—”

“Sorry, man.” Billy shrugged. “You were getting kinda tedious.”

“You don't wanna piss him off,” Tommy added helpfully, suppressing a smile. “He's a biter.”

“Yeah, you know, loaded firearm.” Teddy didn't even bother trying not to smile.

“Ticking time bomb, even.” Kate had lowered her bow. “Very dangerous.”

Jonas nodded sagely. “He is _unnaturally_ vicious.”

Now Ampharos looked frightened. “I...what does he _do?_ ”

Billy shrugged again. “Well, I _have_ been in the mood to rewatch _Sound of Music_ recently. I could use some company.”

Eli had moved over next to the Utahraptor and was patting it soothingly on the shoulder. “It's ok, big guy. It's ok. We'll take the bad guy away as soon as we can.” He looked over at Billy as Jonas and Teddy lifted Ampharos from the dinosaur's back. “Let's drop this asshole off with the authorities, Wiccan. Take us home.”

Deadpool raised a hand. “Wait! Better idea! Can I shoot him? I like to shoot people!”

As a one, the Young Avengers and their captive all said, “No!”

\--

“Thank you, kids, we can take it from here.” Hank Pym handed Kate a receipt and then scratched the back of his head, staring in puzzlement at the heavily-bearded wizard who sat bound on the Mansion lawn. “How did you _find_ this guy?”

Kate glanced back at the others, who said, in chorus, “It's Deadpool's fault.”

“Hey, how is it _my_ fault?” 

Tommy stared at him. “I lose a little more respect for you every minute, man.”

Deadpool blinked. “Wait, you respected me?” A long pause, and then—he'd flung his arms around Tommy, who yelled and struggled to get free. “You respected me! Nobody ever respects me!” 

“Hey, _leggo,_ don't _hug_ me!” 

“Does that mean you're a _fan?_ ”

“Yeah, ok, I'm a fan, let _go_ of me!”

“I've never had a fan before! Oh my god, we should hang out, I can give you my autograph and show you all my katanas, you can show me your _fanfiction—_ ”

“I don't write any fuckin' fanfiction! I'm not a _total_ dweeb!”

Eli was frowning and tapping his foot. “You promised us Mexican.”

“Oh, shit, right, I did, didn't I?” Deadpool let go of Tommy, and the speedster sprang free, brushing himself off. “Yeah, let's go get some Mexican food.”

\--

_Three hours later..._

Kate peered sleepily through the door of the living room at the Bishop Publishing building. “Are they _still_ at it?”

Teddy shrugged. “I...I don't know. I think I drifted off for a while. What's going on?”

On the couch, Billy swallowed a mouthful of his second burrito and sniffed hard. “Julie Andrews is seriously one of the world's greatest actresses. I love her so much.”

“Mm-hm.” Deadpool nodded slowly. _He_ didn't bother to swallow all of his food before replying. “I mean, she's not really my _type,_ and _really_ I like her best in _Victor, Victoria_ , but...wow. Julie Andrews.”

“I know, _right?_ ”

Eli had stopped behind Kate, staring. “Are they _drunk?_ ”

“No, they're just...” Teddy interrupted himself by yawning hugely. “They're just...really into _The Sound of Music._ ”

“Huh.” Eli blinked. “Well. Good for them.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you like it, please let me know!


End file.
